The Opposite of Love

I've really been struggling lately with apathy and the best way to deal with it. I've heard friends talking about their encounters with people who 'just don't seem to care' in their classes and in their daily lives, but I suppose I hadn't really considered the enormity and general impact of this until now. In my Politics and Political Life class, I believe I am one of the only people, if not the only person, who cares. Here is a direct quote from last class: "Our group talked about it and we don't think that there are any causes that people would fight or die for these days." We have just read 1968, about the civil rights, feminist, and anti-war movements, etc that took place around the world. We have also just read Plato's Apology, and A Man of All Seasons (a more modern version of the apology about the life of Sir Thomas More who wrote Utopia). The people in these books all stood up for what they believed in and were persecuted and sometimes died for their beliefs. Many were martyrs and people to be admired and followed. I couldn't believe that these people (Political Science majors nonetheless!) were saying that there were no causes currently that people would protest, fight, be persecuted, or die for! I could think of 20 right now that get me upset enough to want to do fight as hard as I can for as long as I can to fix them. In fact I think it might be a shorter list of issues that I don't care about that much. And I know tons of other people like me personally. Not to mention the people all over the world right now that are fighting and dying for their causes. What world do my classmates live in and what other things are they finding so important as to not recognize a cause when they see one and to not care about it when they do? I was shocked into not being able to say anything during class and also not feeling comfortable doing so. I had so many things to say that I didn't know where to start and I figured if I let myself go off like I wanted to, I would harden more hearts than I would open. I wrote my professor an email instead explaining my lack of participation. He wrote me back and said that he supported me and that if I was willing to open my mouth and fight for activism and 'my cause' that he would make sure it didn't get out of hand. He said that unfortunately, he had not been surprised the the passive indifference shown by my classmates-that he was no longer surprised by it. He said that he hoped that I could restore his faith in student activism. I fully plan on doing so. Perhaps it is because I am such a black and white person, that I do not understand the ability of a person to be apathetic, but I cannot bring myself to 'see the other side' on this one. How can you know that others in the world are suffering from things like hunger, poverty, poor education, racism, discrimination, violence of war, ethnic and religious conflict, environmental degradation, torture, rape, etc and not care enough to be moved to do something about it. Not only that, but not care enough to be able to completely ignore the presence of these things in our world altogether? I simply do not understand... Perhaps it is easier not to care. Because caring entails the responsibility to do something. Caring entails that you have to feel sympathy and emotion for someone other than yourself and your family and friends-for people you don't even know. It takes time, energy, and lots of effort to care. For sure, caring is really difficult-there's no question. But the price of apathy is much worse than the price of caring. I also think that people are distracted by other things. I think that people are distracted by the media, by technology, and by money. The media bombards the public with things they want to hear about: much of it in the form of something scandalous that can be break room gossip. They are censored by the government and tightly controlled so that we can't see the things that the government does not want us to see. This way, they can avoid another Vietnam-where people were getting blown up on living room TVs-if people saw the soldiers' bodies being carried off the planes or saw the soldiers getting blown up by children carrying bombs, I believe they would care and be moved to do something about it. Instead, they are put into a government-regulated comfort zone of ignorance. There is a quote by Adolf Hitler that I really like: "What good fortune for governments that people don't think." It is completely true. Technology distracts us in obvious ways-by making things so fun and available all the time, people have less boredom and incentive to check out the news. Instead they can watch their favorite movie or TV show on the go or check the latest sports updates. For many, with technology, news becomes second rate. Money is the driving force behind everything. Money is the reason we go to school, get a job, work ourselves to death, etc. It ruins relationships and is a division among people. I hate what money does to people. I hate the way it changes people and rules lives. I hate the way that it has the ability to motivate people and be an incentive for people. How much different would our lives be if we didn't have to worry about money? It's incredible to think about. I think that money provides an incentive for apathy. Because people are motivated to get it, and some are willing to do anything to get it, people get high paying jobs which often don't benefit anyone but themselves and do more harm than good in the world. It doesn't pay well to care and to do something to help other people. It doesn't pay well to fight. But it pays later. It pays off when the world is a better place and changed for the good because you fought, you sacrificed, and you were persecuted. It will pay off when poverty and violence end and when all people are seen and treated as equals to each other. That is when the pay-off will be. And it will be better than any pay off money can give. The apathy scares me. What does it take to get people motivated enough to act? What can I do to create action? To create a movement? To create enough love for other human beings to ignite a fire for change? The answers will come in due time I suppose. One more thing... I've been thinking a lot lately about signs from God. I don't necessarily believe that if I'm looking for answers God will place the exact answer word for word, direction for direction, in front of me. I don't believe that He intends to answer all of our problems or prayers, but to challenge us to find the answer and our own way ourselves. I believe that He has a purpose for every person, but that He gives us free will to make our own decisions and to choose our own paths. He places challenges in front of us and obstacles in our journey. He creates our choices, challenges, and obstacles, and the paths they place in front of us. I believe in free will because I don't necessary think that God intended for people to be things like prostitutes or soldiers, but that he placed the choice in front of them and they chose of their own free will. God is not absent from the hearts of these people, but did not necessarily choose their path for them. I think that God does give us signs however. I do believe He graces us with people and things in our lives that were placed there in certain moments to be His voice to us. Last semester, I talked to 3 different people, who don't talk to each other at all, about the same dilemma I was having. They all advised me to do the same thing, in the same wording. I truly felt like God was speaking to me through these people and when I wasn't getting it the first time, He sent 2 other people to tell me and to help me out. Today, I was having a rough morning-I didn't get a lot of sleep and I had to be up early for a meeting I didn't necessarily want to go to and I have tons of work to do-and I walked outside on my way to my meeting and the sun had just risen, the campus was quiet and bathed in golden light. It was warmer than it had been in weeks and I even heard birds chirping. Snow was melting and I could smell just a hint of spring in the light breeze blowing past my nose. It put a smile on my face and allowed me to relax and smile. I know this was God reminding me of the beauty in life and that everything would get done and work itself out. He knew I needed a pick-me-up and sent it my way. I love trying to find the ways that God is active in my daily life by sending things like that my way. I also believe God gives gifts through things like nature and people. He allows us to appreciate the beauty of His creation and to live in it. He allows us to meet people and appreciate the value of each individual and how He created them special. I pray that I am always able to pick out God working in my life. :) That's it for tonight... I have an unbelievable amount of work piling up. More soon to come I expect. I just couldn't work before getting this out :)

weird point?

First things first: I'm going to Africa!!! My amazing parents decided to co-sign the loans I would need if I don't get the scholarships and grants that I am applying for. I am so excited. I cannot wait! In 6 months, I'll be in Kenya!!! Oh my gosh... :D Ha. As usual, I don't really have a purpose to this. I just felt the build-up of 'stuff' again and found myself on my blog... Funny how that works isn't it? ... I've been noticing lately that I've been more content to be by myself. I've had a few setbacks that have really upset me recently and because I always put on a strong, independent outer exterior, I feel like I can't share my true feelings about these setbacks with others sometimes. This has essentially caused me to be somewhat crabby and much more sarcastic than usual in an effort to push those around me away so it is easier to hide my feelings. It has worked quite well. I've apologized to the people that I have hurt recently and I feel sincerely sorry for acting in such a childish way. But I have not necessarily gone running back to the relationships I've distanced myself from. I noticed that I like being alone right now and I like reflecting on myself and trying to grow more spiritually and personally. I haven't felt as if I have necessarily needed to share my feelings with everyone and I have been able to protect myself from being vulnerable to other people. I realize that this is not a good thing most of the time-this not trusting people and not being able to take down my strong and independent front in front of others. I've always struggled with this. But I feel as if I have made strides with certain relationships as far as building on them and strengthening them. I have really opened up to a few people and have been able to share some personal feelings with them and they have been able to do the same with me. I now treasure those relationships and depend on them and feel comfortable in them. This is something new for me and I am really enjoying having these people in my life. I thank God that He has brought these people into my life. They are truly incredible. So I suppose it is not that I have pushed everyone away, but that I have grown closer to a few and have realized that I am in a phase of my journey where being alone is important and needed. I feel like I have a lot of growing and changing to do for myself before I am ready to share my light with others. So I am learning from my setbacks and from my relationships and working on changing myself and my outlook. All in the name of becoming the change that I want to see in the world. :) Ha I feel as if that was very jumbled and started with one point and kept leaping to others... Perhaps it will become more clear for me later. I have been pondering the idea of getting a spiritual director. I really would like one. I feel as if it would help me a lot on my journey and perhaps help me to see things I would not have otherwise seen. I feel as if I would find new direction and outlets for my spirituality. I admire and trust the Benedictines on campus so much, I would love to take advantage of their presence and see what I can accomplish with their guidance. I have already learned so much from them. I have been truly blessed lately to have really realized in my heart of hearts that God gives each and every person a purpose when He creates them. Everyone has a part to play. But not everyone realizes the part they were supposed to play during their lifetimes. The purpose He gave me is big. I am so incredibly lucky to have realized my purpose so early and to have been given such a fire for fulfilling it. Sometimes it is difficult for me to see other people going about daily life in somewhat of a fog. I want to scream at them sometimes "Wake up! See what is right in front of you! Realize your potential and your purpose and the love that God has for you!" Because I have so much of God's light inside of me, it is hard for me to understand and comprehend what it is like for people who have not found it yet. I pray for those people as well-that they are able to find their purpose and their passion. I pray that the fire in their hearts is lit as mine is. I suppose I'm at a weird point on my journey at this exact moment. On the one hand, I am quiet, reserved, and pensieve thinking about everything. There is not any one thing that I could expound upon (besides Africa) that I could gush on and on about. On another hand, I am working tirelessly to become a better person and to become the change. On another hand, I love who I am and who I want to become. On yet another, I am exhilaratingly, mind-blowingly, breath-takingly, adrenaline-pumpingly excited for what is to come in my life and for what God has in store for me and for life in general-for the air I breathe and the sun in my face. My mood is an interesting one-with many contradictions. We'll see where I end up :) I can't wait. Can you?

Restless.

I'm just so completely and utterly restless right now. I'm in the middle of a political ideologies paper-what is my ideology anyways-and I was just itching to write something else. Anything. Grr. I've been feeling a bit left out lately. I feel as if everyone is off on their adventures all around the world-I've got friends in Africa, the Middle East, China, Europe, and Latin America-and I'm here. In St. Joe. Just doing my thing. I've been so homesick (that's the only word I can think of to describe it) for Africa lately. I want to go back sooo bad. I've been looking at old pictures and talking to my friends from Uganda, and just thinking about it a lot in general. I miss the way of life, the friendly people, and the experiences I had there. I'm just ready for something new and exciting at this point. Ready for some new challenges and experiences. No, wait. Not ready for them, but absolutely needing something new. I want to be far away from here, where my work and frustrations lie and be somewhere where I can start over. I hope that people abroad realize how incredibly lucky they are. Now that it's off my chest, I want to forget about it and concentrate on what's going on here and how I can make the best of it and get all I can from it. I'm doing a lot of self-reflection lately and it has been really good. Ironically it has not involved other people-just me. I'm being my inquisitive self and taking time to think about new ideas and ways of thinking and being and I like what I'm discovering. Not quite ready to share much yet though. I caved last night and did the stupid 25 things note on facebook. It actually turned out a lot differently than I had thought it would and I laid out some interesting (and surprisingly personal) things about myself. Here are my 25: 1. I'm doing this in order to avoid my political ideologies paper. 2. This semester is the hardest I've ever had, but I'm learning invaluable things in classes that I really love. 3. I pick one Benedictine value to work on and improve on each week. This week is stability. 4. I think tea is amazing. I drink at least one cup everyday. It relaxes and invigorates me. I love honey in my tea-or just eating honey in general-with or without tea. Honey sticks are my absolute favorite. 5. It's possible that the word passionate describes me. Driven works too. 6. I have a long list of things I want to do in my life. I crossed a lot off this summer and plan to cross more off by the time I graduate. 7. I haven't told anyone yet, but I am considering going to law school. 8. Even with all of the suffering in the world, I have come to believe that being cold is one of the worst feelings ever. It's just a quirk. I'm always cold unless I'm sitting in a sauna-like environment-even then I may have an additional 4 blankets on. I can't fall asleep if my feet are cold-I've tried and it's impossible. 9. I have lost quite a few friends this year. And I'm okay with losing most of them. They never really understood me or tried to. 10. I am on a personal journey of change and growth towards God. I believe in Him with my whole heart and am learning everyday that He has a plan for me, that is bigger than I'll ever know. Some things are just out of my control and I have to go with it. God will never leave or fail me. Having blind faith is a conscious decision I make everyday. 11. I have a tattoo that means more to me than I ever thought it would when I got it. 12. I've been sky-diving and it was one of the most breath-taking and peaceful moments of my life. 13. I'm a free spirit that can't be tied down by the bonds of society or material. It is this that gives me my independence. It is this that made me donate lots of my possessions this year and makes me want to rid myself of still more of them. 14. I can count on one hand the number of people that really know ME. I am afraid that if I let people see just how passionate I am and if I let them know my real reasons for doing the things that I do, they will judge me. 15. I have a blog that I have not told many people about. 16. I have been to Africa and fell in love with everything about it. People think that I 'just love it' but rarely ask why. That hurts sometimes. 17. I lose serious respect for people who can't stand up for themselves or stand up to me. How will you ever make the difference God put you on this earth to make if you cannot fight for it? Everyone has a purpose. 18. I know that there is nothing in the world that I cannot do or accomplish. If I want to change the world, which I do, I will. That's all there is to it. 19. I have protested on campus, in St. Cloud, at the IRS in D.C. and at the Pentagon. It was one of the scariest, most life-changing experiences I've ever had and I'm glad I made myself do it. 20. I have a light inside of me that sometimes burns so brightly that I feel I have to dim it for the outside world. 21. I care about issues of social justice and human rights more than anyone really knows. It gets me at my core. I think I care so much because it is WRONG that so many people are suffering while most who aren't sit on their asses and watch it happen. I get angry when people say, "Well what can I do? I'm just one person..." Yes. You are just one person. Everyone is just one person. If everyone decided to change something and do something about it-change WOULD happen. So be the start of the revolution. 22. I believe in the inherent good in ALL people despite everything that I know and have seen. I also believe in theories of non-violence and that there is a way for it to work in every single situation. (aka I'm an idealist) 23. I am a black and white person. I see things with a moral lens. Either it is right or it isn't. Most of my arguments and grievances are because I don't believe that something is fair or right. I try to see the other side but am sometimes blinded by the fact that it simply is not right. 24. It scares me to know the things that I know and have the mission that I have in the world. But "your courage asks me what I'm afraid of." 25. I have a mission for all of you: "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, as long as you ever can." And if that means starting small and doing "one thing everyday that scares you," so be it. I believe you can do anything you set your mind to. Some explanations perhaps: I am entertaining the idea of law school. I want to do something with human rights or international law. Or I would go to grad school for something like development studies, mediation, or some other topic related to peace studies. I want to earn my doctorate someday. I want to be as smart and know as much as my professors. I have a looong way to go... I have lost friends this year. I don't really want them back, as mean as that sounds. My life is currently drama free (with the exception of people who tell me about their drama) and it's amazing. The people that I've lost did not understand or try to understand me. They weren't really there for me and I wasn't really there for them. It was all fake and I feel lighter with the lack of fakeness in my life. :) That's not to say I don't miss them or the memories from time to time... I am a free spirit. I can feel my soul churn with recognition when the phrase comes up. It's times like these when I just have so many thoughts in my head and weighing in my heart that I feel so restless and tied down-I just can't sit still or focus. I know that at some point in my life I need to be free. I need to be free from people and responsibility and worries. I need to be able to do what I want when I want and to be able to make discoveries about life and about God. There is so much out there to be discovered and found out. Things that I was meant to find... There aren't many people who really know ME. For some reason, I am terrified of judgement. I am terrified of confiding in someone and having them hurt me. I know this and I'm working on trying to fix it, because being afraid to get close to people and have mutual love with them is not a good way to live. That's a major reason why I haven't shared this blog with most of the people I know. My passion is something personal and intense. It is what drives everything I do-all of my words and actions. It is a passion for living and breathing and racing with the winds of life as much as it is a passion for loving and knowing God as much as it is a passion for being free as much as it is a passion for changing the world and making it so no one is suffering as much as it is a passion for eliminating violence... It is the flame that burns in my soul which I screen from the world because of how blinding it is. It is this that I think makes me different from many, and it is this that makes me vulnerable to extinguishers in the world. What if, one day, I share my true light with someone and they blow it out? It's a legitimate concern. I do believe in the inherent good in all people. Every single one. It is simply a matter of finding it in someone. People's experiences and the forces that nuture them are powerful and have the power to influence and change people in scary ways. I sometimes imagine conversations with people like Joseph Kony. I imagine myself sitting down to talk to them and hearing their reasons and concerns and them listening to mine. I imagine forming solutions and reasoning with these people to fix conflicts and to change things. I honestly believe that people can be changed with reason and by someone who shows them love and care. And when I imagine these conversations, they aren't so unrealistic in my head... It is my pet peeve to hear people say "What can I do? I'm just one person..." I HATE that. Who raised them anyways. Anyone can do anything they put their minds to. Just because it might be difficult or hard or because it carries the possibility of failure, does not mean that you shouldn't try. It means you should give it everything you've got in you until you either succeed, fail, or die trying. Don't shy away from a challenge. Everyone knows about the 'others' out there suffering. It's just too difficult to care. To act. Sometimes I feel as if the world is sitting motionless around me. I choose to ignore that and free myself from it. I choose to life my life with an energetic love and passion that shatters the dullness and wakes the sleeping. I choose to spread God's love to the world to the fullest extent that it is needed. For it is not what you have to give, but what is needed that matters. ... Yes, the 25 did turn out differently than I had expected. :) One prayer request before I go: My dad decides this week if studying abroad is something we can financially do. It's been really tight lately, as it has been for so many in the world. Things are starting to roll with the trip, especially in Kenya and Uganda, so I'm really hoping that he decides that I can do this. Thinking about the alternative, it would be a rough couple of years if I wasn't able to. So along with your prayers for all those less fortunate and suffering, pop me in there too. Pray that I will be able to find the money and go. But if I can't, that's just God's plan isn't it? We shall see.