weird point?

First things first: I'm going to Africa!!! My amazing parents decided to co-sign the loans I would need if I don't get the scholarships and grants that I am applying for. I am so excited. I cannot wait! In 6 months, I'll be in Kenya!!! Oh my gosh... :D Ha. As usual, I don't really have a purpose to this. I just felt the build-up of 'stuff' again and found myself on my blog... Funny how that works isn't it? ... I've been noticing lately that I've been more content to be by myself. I've had a few setbacks that have really upset me recently and because I always put on a strong, independent outer exterior, I feel like I can't share my true feelings about these setbacks with others sometimes. This has essentially caused me to be somewhat crabby and much more sarcastic than usual in an effort to push those around me away so it is easier to hide my feelings. It has worked quite well. I've apologized to the people that I have hurt recently and I feel sincerely sorry for acting in such a childish way. But I have not necessarily gone running back to the relationships I've distanced myself from. I noticed that I like being alone right now and I like reflecting on myself and trying to grow more spiritually and personally. I haven't felt as if I have necessarily needed to share my feelings with everyone and I have been able to protect myself from being vulnerable to other people. I realize that this is not a good thing most of the time-this not trusting people and not being able to take down my strong and independent front in front of others. I've always struggled with this. But I feel as if I have made strides with certain relationships as far as building on them and strengthening them. I have really opened up to a few people and have been able to share some personal feelings with them and they have been able to do the same with me. I now treasure those relationships and depend on them and feel comfortable in them. This is something new for me and I am really enjoying having these people in my life. I thank God that He has brought these people into my life. They are truly incredible. So I suppose it is not that I have pushed everyone away, but that I have grown closer to a few and have realized that I am in a phase of my journey where being alone is important and needed. I feel like I have a lot of growing and changing to do for myself before I am ready to share my light with others. So I am learning from my setbacks and from my relationships and working on changing myself and my outlook. All in the name of becoming the change that I want to see in the world. :) Ha I feel as if that was very jumbled and started with one point and kept leaping to others... Perhaps it will become more clear for me later. I have been pondering the idea of getting a spiritual director. I really would like one. I feel as if it would help me a lot on my journey and perhaps help me to see things I would not have otherwise seen. I feel as if I would find new direction and outlets for my spirituality. I admire and trust the Benedictines on campus so much, I would love to take advantage of their presence and see what I can accomplish with their guidance. I have already learned so much from them. I have been truly blessed lately to have really realized in my heart of hearts that God gives each and every person a purpose when He creates them. Everyone has a part to play. But not everyone realizes the part they were supposed to play during their lifetimes. The purpose He gave me is big. I am so incredibly lucky to have realized my purpose so early and to have been given such a fire for fulfilling it. Sometimes it is difficult for me to see other people going about daily life in somewhat of a fog. I want to scream at them sometimes "Wake up! See what is right in front of you! Realize your potential and your purpose and the love that God has for you!" Because I have so much of God's light inside of me, it is hard for me to understand and comprehend what it is like for people who have not found it yet. I pray for those people as well-that they are able to find their purpose and their passion. I pray that the fire in their hearts is lit as mine is. I suppose I'm at a weird point on my journey at this exact moment. On the one hand, I am quiet, reserved, and pensieve thinking about everything. There is not any one thing that I could expound upon (besides Africa) that I could gush on and on about. On another hand, I am working tirelessly to become a better person and to become the change. On another hand, I love who I am and who I want to become. On yet another, I am exhilaratingly, mind-blowingly, breath-takingly, adrenaline-pumpingly excited for what is to come in my life and for what God has in store for me and for life in general-for the air I breathe and the sun in my face. My mood is an interesting one-with many contradictions. We'll see where I end up :) I can't wait. Can you?