Restless.

I'm just so completely and utterly restless right now. I'm in the middle of a political ideologies paper-what is my ideology anyways-and I was just itching to write something else. Anything. Grr. I've been feeling a bit left out lately. I feel as if everyone is off on their adventures all around the world-I've got friends in Africa, the Middle East, China, Europe, and Latin America-and I'm here. In St. Joe. Just doing my thing. I've been so homesick (that's the only word I can think of to describe it) for Africa lately. I want to go back sooo bad. I've been looking at old pictures and talking to my friends from Uganda, and just thinking about it a lot in general. I miss the way of life, the friendly people, and the experiences I had there. I'm just ready for something new and exciting at this point. Ready for some new challenges and experiences. No, wait. Not ready for them, but absolutely needing something new. I want to be far away from here, where my work and frustrations lie and be somewhere where I can start over. I hope that people abroad realize how incredibly lucky they are. Now that it's off my chest, I want to forget about it and concentrate on what's going on here and how I can make the best of it and get all I can from it. I'm doing a lot of self-reflection lately and it has been really good. Ironically it has not involved other people-just me. I'm being my inquisitive self and taking time to think about new ideas and ways of thinking and being and I like what I'm discovering. Not quite ready to share much yet though. I caved last night and did the stupid 25 things note on facebook. It actually turned out a lot differently than I had thought it would and I laid out some interesting (and surprisingly personal) things about myself. Here are my 25: 1. I'm doing this in order to avoid my political ideologies paper. 2. This semester is the hardest I've ever had, but I'm learning invaluable things in classes that I really love. 3. I pick one Benedictine value to work on and improve on each week. This week is stability. 4. I think tea is amazing. I drink at least one cup everyday. It relaxes and invigorates me. I love honey in my tea-or just eating honey in general-with or without tea. Honey sticks are my absolute favorite. 5. It's possible that the word passionate describes me. Driven works too. 6. I have a long list of things I want to do in my life. I crossed a lot off this summer and plan to cross more off by the time I graduate. 7. I haven't told anyone yet, but I am considering going to law school. 8. Even with all of the suffering in the world, I have come to believe that being cold is one of the worst feelings ever. It's just a quirk. I'm always cold unless I'm sitting in a sauna-like environment-even then I may have an additional 4 blankets on. I can't fall asleep if my feet are cold-I've tried and it's impossible. 9. I have lost quite a few friends this year. And I'm okay with losing most of them. They never really understood me or tried to. 10. I am on a personal journey of change and growth towards God. I believe in Him with my whole heart and am learning everyday that He has a plan for me, that is bigger than I'll ever know. Some things are just out of my control and I have to go with it. God will never leave or fail me. Having blind faith is a conscious decision I make everyday. 11. I have a tattoo that means more to me than I ever thought it would when I got it. 12. I've been sky-diving and it was one of the most breath-taking and peaceful moments of my life. 13. I'm a free spirit that can't be tied down by the bonds of society or material. It is this that gives me my independence. It is this that made me donate lots of my possessions this year and makes me want to rid myself of still more of them. 14. I can count on one hand the number of people that really know ME. I am afraid that if I let people see just how passionate I am and if I let them know my real reasons for doing the things that I do, they will judge me. 15. I have a blog that I have not told many people about. 16. I have been to Africa and fell in love with everything about it. People think that I 'just love it' but rarely ask why. That hurts sometimes. 17. I lose serious respect for people who can't stand up for themselves or stand up to me. How will you ever make the difference God put you on this earth to make if you cannot fight for it? Everyone has a purpose. 18. I know that there is nothing in the world that I cannot do or accomplish. If I want to change the world, which I do, I will. That's all there is to it. 19. I have protested on campus, in St. Cloud, at the IRS in D.C. and at the Pentagon. It was one of the scariest, most life-changing experiences I've ever had and I'm glad I made myself do it. 20. I have a light inside of me that sometimes burns so brightly that I feel I have to dim it for the outside world. 21. I care about issues of social justice and human rights more than anyone really knows. It gets me at my core. I think I care so much because it is WRONG that so many people are suffering while most who aren't sit on their asses and watch it happen. I get angry when people say, "Well what can I do? I'm just one person..." Yes. You are just one person. Everyone is just one person. If everyone decided to change something and do something about it-change WOULD happen. So be the start of the revolution. 22. I believe in the inherent good in ALL people despite everything that I know and have seen. I also believe in theories of non-violence and that there is a way for it to work in every single situation. (aka I'm an idealist) 23. I am a black and white person. I see things with a moral lens. Either it is right or it isn't. Most of my arguments and grievances are because I don't believe that something is fair or right. I try to see the other side but am sometimes blinded by the fact that it simply is not right. 24. It scares me to know the things that I know and have the mission that I have in the world. But "your courage asks me what I'm afraid of." 25. I have a mission for all of you: "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, as long as you ever can." And if that means starting small and doing "one thing everyday that scares you," so be it. I believe you can do anything you set your mind to. Some explanations perhaps: I am entertaining the idea of law school. I want to do something with human rights or international law. Or I would go to grad school for something like development studies, mediation, or some other topic related to peace studies. I want to earn my doctorate someday. I want to be as smart and know as much as my professors. I have a looong way to go... I have lost friends this year. I don't really want them back, as mean as that sounds. My life is currently drama free (with the exception of people who tell me about their drama) and it's amazing. The people that I've lost did not understand or try to understand me. They weren't really there for me and I wasn't really there for them. It was all fake and I feel lighter with the lack of fakeness in my life. :) That's not to say I don't miss them or the memories from time to time... I am a free spirit. I can feel my soul churn with recognition when the phrase comes up. It's times like these when I just have so many thoughts in my head and weighing in my heart that I feel so restless and tied down-I just can't sit still or focus. I know that at some point in my life I need to be free. I need to be free from people and responsibility and worries. I need to be able to do what I want when I want and to be able to make discoveries about life and about God. There is so much out there to be discovered and found out. Things that I was meant to find... There aren't many people who really know ME. For some reason, I am terrified of judgement. I am terrified of confiding in someone and having them hurt me. I know this and I'm working on trying to fix it, because being afraid to get close to people and have mutual love with them is not a good way to live. That's a major reason why I haven't shared this blog with most of the people I know. My passion is something personal and intense. It is what drives everything I do-all of my words and actions. It is a passion for living and breathing and racing with the winds of life as much as it is a passion for loving and knowing God as much as it is a passion for being free as much as it is a passion for changing the world and making it so no one is suffering as much as it is a passion for eliminating violence... It is the flame that burns in my soul which I screen from the world because of how blinding it is. It is this that I think makes me different from many, and it is this that makes me vulnerable to extinguishers in the world. What if, one day, I share my true light with someone and they blow it out? It's a legitimate concern. I do believe in the inherent good in all people. Every single one. It is simply a matter of finding it in someone. People's experiences and the forces that nuture them are powerful and have the power to influence and change people in scary ways. I sometimes imagine conversations with people like Joseph Kony. I imagine myself sitting down to talk to them and hearing their reasons and concerns and them listening to mine. I imagine forming solutions and reasoning with these people to fix conflicts and to change things. I honestly believe that people can be changed with reason and by someone who shows them love and care. And when I imagine these conversations, they aren't so unrealistic in my head... It is my pet peeve to hear people say "What can I do? I'm just one person..." I HATE that. Who raised them anyways. Anyone can do anything they put their minds to. Just because it might be difficult or hard or because it carries the possibility of failure, does not mean that you shouldn't try. It means you should give it everything you've got in you until you either succeed, fail, or die trying. Don't shy away from a challenge. Everyone knows about the 'others' out there suffering. It's just too difficult to care. To act. Sometimes I feel as if the world is sitting motionless around me. I choose to ignore that and free myself from it. I choose to life my life with an energetic love and passion that shatters the dullness and wakes the sleeping. I choose to spread God's love to the world to the fullest extent that it is needed. For it is not what you have to give, but what is needed that matters. ... Yes, the 25 did turn out differently than I had expected. :) One prayer request before I go: My dad decides this week if studying abroad is something we can financially do. It's been really tight lately, as it has been for so many in the world. Things are starting to roll with the trip, especially in Kenya and Uganda, so I'm really hoping that he decides that I can do this. Thinking about the alternative, it would be a rough couple of years if I wasn't able to. So along with your prayers for all those less fortunate and suffering, pop me in there too. Pray that I will be able to find the money and go. But if I can't, that's just God's plan isn't it? We shall see.