Thus confined and breaking free

I write today as my heart and mind are full. Full of many things.
My life these past days and weeks, I suppose, can perhaps be likened to trying to get out of a matatu packed with people that you have been stuck in for over an hour in the sun, dust, and traffic. You have gotten stuck with the very back, corner seat and it seems that there are a million people, or barriers between you and the door, which means freedom, in this case. And thus in order to get there, you must wiggle and turn and twist your way out. But there is always a path; there is always a way out. Looking at it from the seat you are in, it seems impossible to worm your way through the seats and people into air a bit less-stagnant than inside the matatu, but you decide to give it a go and everything ends up fitting just the way it should and soon, after some heavy twisting and effort, you break free into, compared to the air inside the matatu-which has been passing through anywhere from 15-19 pairs of lungs for a very long period of time-what seems to be fresh air. You are thus rewarded for your struggle to get out.

I make this analogy not to give my recent journey a bad connotation, not at all. For it has been good and so rewarding. But I feel as if I have been uncomfortable in my seat for so long and I am being shown a way out and in order to get there I must twist and wiggle and struggle to find my way. It is the best kind of struggle however, one that will take my whole life-the struggle to find God.

Let me start from square one...
I think that I have become a bit of an external processor :) (Surprised?) Thus, since I have had several intense and long conversations lately (and also read some incredible books), I have 'processed' many new things and discovered things about myself and my beliefs that I had never truly realized. I have realized that I have always struggled with organized religion for a reason. I have realized what I believe life is all about. I have realized that I have much seeking and learning and changing to do.

I have struggled with organized religion for so long because I feel like it confines me instead of giving me the freedom to know God and to live out his love. I feel like it tells me how to live and judges me and other people. I do not feel like it leaves much room anymore for how God wants me to live and for God to judge me and others. I feel as if the people around me put on a show on Sundays and the rest of the week they perhaps think that God can't see them and thus they don't have to be Christians. They make spirituality a part of their life. They don't make their life their spirituality, which is what I believe God calls us to do. What good does sitting in church on Sundays do if you are not living out what you are learning and hearing? I feel sad when I hear about the politics in the church and about the discrimination towards people who are different and who we do not understand and who we fear. In reality, I believe that God made each and every one of us exactly the way we are-incredibly unique and special. How amazing is it that He created billions and billions of people-all differently? We have no right to judge or discriminate against others, for they were created in the image of God just like you and I-they have God living in them! When we shun and discriminate against others, we are shunning and judging God. Who exactly do we think we are? We take for granted so much in this life-including the ability God gave us to judge and hate and fear. I feel like so much of organized religion has lost its focus, its purpose, and its meaning. Religion, spirituality, and faith are not about showing up to church on Sundays and putting on a good show. They are about and for the purpose of living out God's will and for loving God, your neighbors, and yourself. That's it. It seems so simple, yet it is incredibly difficult-no wonder this has become lost.

If you disagree, I ask you to look at the world today. Why is it that the church judges so harshly homosexuals when God made them just like you and I and when it is not up to them to judge them, but up to God? Why is it that there is still so much fighting among the peoples of this world? Among Christians? How is pointing a gun at a fellow human being (in the name of security or not) what God calls us to do? How is sitting back and watching people die in Afghanistan and in Sudan and so many other places in the world loving our neighbor? God never said loving would be easy; when did people become so afraid of hard work? If people were truly Christian, truly living by the simple rule of love, I believe that things of this nature would not occur.

So, I do feel confined by religion. I feel confined by rules and judgement. I do not believe the lives of Christians today and even people of other religions (although Christianity is what I know most about) were how God intended for people to live. I do not believe that one religion is 'more right' than another religion. I believe it's all the same God and that people are entitled to worship Him and believe in Him how they choose. "Since no one knows what the true image of God is, who can decry the image that someone holds close to his heart?"

I have discovered how strongly and firmly I believe in one simple rule that is common for all people of all faiths however. That rule is so simple in nature, but so difficult to live out. That is LOVE. What else is there really? This principle is across all faiths and cultures and people-it is found everywhere. If love was simply lived out-all other actions and morality can be derived from this. You are either loving God, your neighbor, and yourself or you are not. To me, this is black and white. I believe so strongly that I am called to love each and every human being in this world as the image and piece of God that they are and to show them this love as best I can.

A story. This summer in San Francisco, I was standing in line outside Glide Memorial Church waiting for food and talking with the homeless in line with me. I was talking to this man who had been in federal prison for 17 years. He had killed multiple people. He was telling me about how much intense hate he had for the world and for all people. I remember at that point vividly knowing that the amount of hate that this man had inside of him, times infinity, was how much love God had put into my heart for all of his creation. I am certainly not very good at showing this love all the time. I still judge people and discriminate. I still walk past people on the street and ignore them and fail to see God's light inside of them. But I know how much a part of me and how driven by this love I am and I am committed to becoming this love. To reducing myself only to this love. Realizing this has given me so much explanation and meaning and purpose. Someday I will learn to live and love selflessly-all people. Someday I hope to stop judging and discriminating. I struggle to remain conscious of these things at all times, in all of my interactions.

I believe that God, right now, is testing me. He is with me in my struggle, this I know. He is asking me to keep loving selflessly, to keep reducing myself to love, when there are so many earthly reasons why I should revoke my love and instead place distance. He is teaching me what it is to be selfless and to love when you get nothing in return, to love when what you get in return is painful and hurtful. Choosing to love cannot become a habit. It is even more than a daily choice one must make. It is a choice one must make in every situation and thought. It is changing your entire life so that it becomes just about love. In every sense, you are reduced to this love. It is accepting love in return, but not failing to love when love does not come back in return.

There have been times lately when I am on the very verge of giving up and taking the easy route and putting up distance. There have been so many times when just ignoring the people on the street seems so much easier than seeking out the piece of God inside them and loving them for that. There have been so many times when I am exhausted and crabby after dinner, but I still go into the kitchen to help to the dishes out of love for my family here. There have been so many instances of absolutely not wanting to ask if I can do this or that for someone, but doing it because, in fact, I am doing this or that for God. There have also been many times where I have let the difficulty overcome me and I have failed to love. But I am learning and I am a student of this love and this God.

Thus I feel as if I have been confined by the boundaries of my 'religion' for so long and just now am I realizing the potential that breaking free of these boundaries offers. I am right now looking for a way to practice my faith and exploring all that the world has to offer in this respect. I am looking for teachers and for others who believe so strongly and who feel so consumed by and so called to love to surround myself by and to learn from. For I am not ready yet to be teacher for others or to BE this change I believe so much in as an example to others. I am trying to figure out the words right now to describe what I believe my actions should be and by this, I hope to some day be able to 'preach, and when necessary, use words."

I am still on this journey and still questioning so much about what I believe about God, about love, about myself and my actions, and about others and how I should live my life and become this change I so seek. What a struggle! But as I said, a struggle of the best kind :)

_______

As for Kenya, I absolutely love it here. I am homesick, of course, but it is no longer the sharp ache I had when I arrived. Life here is so good. I am extremely busy with classes and internships, hence not blogging for so long! But I am loving every minute of it. I am doing some incredible things-I will share more later on that however. :) I am also beginning to enjoy picking up the culture here. I love that greetings are no longer awkward because I know what to do and what to expect-the right handshake and questions to ask and everything! I am picking up bits and pieces of Kiswahili as well-haha I don't expect that I'll ever be fluent however. I get a lot of joy from cooking for the household and from the people I live with. Especially from my 'grandmother' here who is so sweet and funny, you can't help but burst with love and affection for her. I am learning the culture of the matatus as well-I find the situations I am in when taking them sometimes quite hilarious and I will have so many stories when I come back... :)

That is all for now, it is now time to go do more work :)
I love you all and miss you!
I'm still waiting on those cookies by the way! :P

Thus confined and breaking free

I write today as my heart and mind are full. Full of many things.
My life these past days and weeks, I suppose, can perhaps be likened to trying to get out of a matatu packed with people that you have been stuck in for over an hour in the sun, dust, and traffic. You have gotten stuck with the very back, corner seat and it seems that there are a million people, or barriers between you and the door, which means freedom, in this case. And thus in order to get there, you must wiggle and turn and twist your way out. But there is always a path; there is always a way out. Looking at it from the seat you are in, it seems impossible to worm your way through the seats and people into air a bit less-stagnant than inside the matatu, but you decide to give it a go and everything ends up fitting just the way it should and soon, after some heavy twisting and effort, you break free into, compared to the air inside the matatu-which has been passing through anywhere from 15-19 pairs of lungs for a very long period of time-what seems to be fresh air. You are thus rewarded for your struggle to get out.

I make this analogy not to give my recent journey a bad connotation, not at all. For it has been good and so rewarding. But I feel as if I have been uncomfortable in my seat for so long and I am being shown a way out and in order to get there I must twist and wiggle and struggle to find my way. It is the best kind of struggle however, one that will take my whole life-the struggle to find God.

Let me start from square one...
I think that I have become a bit of an external processor :) (Surprised?) Thus, since I have had several intense and long conversations lately (and also read some incredible books), I have 'processed' many new things and discovered things about myself and my beliefs that I had never truly realized. I have realized that I have always struggled with organized religion for a reason. I have realized what I believe life is all about. I have realized that I have much seeking and learning and changing to do.

I have struggled with organized religion for so long because I feel like it confines me instead of giving me the freedom to know God and to live out his love. I feel like it tells me how to live and judges me and other people. I do not feel like it leaves much room anymore for how God wants me to live and for God to judge me and others. I feel as if the people around me put on a show on Sundays and the rest of the week they perhaps think that God can't see them and thus they don't have to be Christians. They make spirituality a part of their life. They don't make their life their spirituality, which is what I believe God calls us to do. What good does sitting in church on Sundays do if you are not living out what you are learning and hearing? I feel sad when I hear about the politics in the church and about the discrimination towards people who are different and who we do not understand and who we fear. In reality, I believe that God made each and every one of us exactly the way we are-incredibly unique and special. How amazing is it that He created billions and billions of people-all differently? We have no right to judge or discriminate against others, for they were created in the image of God just like you and I-they have God living in them! When we shun and discriminate against others, we are shunning and judging God. Who exactly do we think we are? We take for granted so much in this life-including the ability God gave us to judge and hate and fear. I feel like so much of organized religion has lost its focus, its purpose, and its meaning. Religion, spirituality, and faith are not about showing up to church on Sundays and putting on a good show. They are about and for the purpose of living out God's will and for loving God, your neighbors, and yourself. That's it. It seems so simple, yet it is incredibly difficult-no wonder this has become lost.

If you disagree, I ask you to look at the world today. Why is it that the church judges so harshly homosexuals when God made them just like you and I and when it is not up to them to judge them, but up to God? Why is it that there is still so much fighting among the peoples of this world? Among Christians? How is pointing a gun at a fellow human being (in the name of security or not) what God calls us to do? How is sitting back and watching people die in Afghanistan and in Sudan and so many other places in the world loving our neighbor? God never said loving would be easy; when did people become so afraid of hard work? If people were truly Christian, truly living by the simple rule of love, I believe that things of this nature would not occur.

So, I do feel confined by religion. I feel confined by rules and judgement. I do not believe the lives of Christians today and even people of other religions (although Christianity is what I know most about) were how God intended for people to live. I do not believe that one religion is 'more right' than another religion. I believe it's all the same God and that people are entitled to worship Him and believe in Him how they choose. "Since no one knows what the true image of God is, who can decry the image that someone holds close to his heart?"

I have discovered how strongly and firmly I believe in one simple rule that is common for all people of all faiths however. That rule is so simple in nature, but so difficult to live out. That is LOVE. What else is there really? This principle is across all faiths and cultures and people-it is found everywhere. If love was simply lived out-all other actions and morality can be derived from this. You are either loving God, your neighbor, and yourself or you are not. To me, this is black and white. I believe so strongly that I am called to love each and every human being in this world as the image and piece of God that they are and to show them this love as best I can.

A story. This summer in San Francisco, I was standing in line outside Glide Memorial Church waiting for food and talking with the homeless in line with me. I was talking to this man who had been in federal prison for 17 years. He had killed multiple people. He was telling me about how much intense hate he had for the world and for all people. I remember at that point vividly knowing that the amount of hate that this man had inside of him, times infinity, was how much love God had put into my heart for all of his creation. I am certainly not very good at showing this love all the time. I still judge people and discriminate. I still walk past people on the street and ignore them and fail to see God's light inside of them. But I know how much a part of me and how driven by this love I am and I am committed to becoming this love. To reducing myself only to this love. Realizing this has given me so much explanation and meaning and purpose. Someday I will learn to live and love selflessly-all people. Someday I hope to stop judging and discriminating. I struggle to remain conscious of these things at all times, in all of my interactions.

I believe that God, right now, is testing me. He is with me in my struggle, this I know. He is asking me to keep loving selflessly, to keep reducing myself to love, when there are so many earthly reasons why I should revoke my love and instead place distance. He is teaching me what it is to be selfless and to love when you get nothing in return, to love when what you get in return is painful and hurtful. Choosing to love cannot become a habit. It is even more than a daily choice one must make. It is a choice one must make in every situation and thought. It is changing your entire life so that it becomes just about love. In every sense, you are reduced to this love. It is accepting love in return, but not failing to love when love does not come back in return.

There have been times lately when I am on the very verge of giving up and taking the easy route and putting up distance. There have been so many times when just ignoring the people on the street seems so much easier than seeking out the piece of God inside them and loving them for that. There have been so many times when I am exhausted and crabby after dinner, but I still go into the kitchen to help to the dishes out of love for my family here. There have been so many instances of absolutely not wanting to ask if I can do this or that for someone, but doing it because, in fact, I am doing this or that for God. There have also been many times where I have let the difficulty overcome me and I have failed to love. But I am learning and I am a student of this love and this God.

Thus I feel as if I have been confined by the boundaries of my 'religion' for so long and just now am I realizing the potential that breaking free of these boundaries offers. I am right now looking for a way to practice my faith and exploring all that the world has to offer in this respect. I am looking for teachers and for others who believe so strongly and who feel so consumed by and so called to love to surround myself by and to learn from. For I am not ready yet to be teacher for others or to BE this change I believe so much in as an example to others. I am trying to figure out the words right now to describe what I believe my actions should be and by this, I hope to some day be able to 'preach, and when necessary, use words."

I am still on this journey and still questioning so much about what I believe about God, about love, about myself and my actions, and about others and how I should live my life and become this change I so seek. What a struggle! But as I said, a struggle of the best kind :)

_______

As for Kenya, I absolutely love it here. I am homesick, of course, but it is no longer the sharp ache I had when I arrived. Life here is so good. I am extremely busy with classes and internships, hence not blogging for so long! But I am loving every minute of it. I am doing some incredible things-I will share more later on that however. :) I am also beginning to enjoy picking up the culture here. I love that greetings are no longer awkward because I know what to do and what to expect-the right handshake and questions to ask and everything! I am picking up bits and pieces of Kiswahili as well-haha I don't expect that I'll ever be fluent however. I get a lot of joy from cooking for the household and from the people I live with. Especially from my 'grandmother' here who is so sweet and funny, you can't help but burst with love and affection for her. I am learning the culture of the matatus as well-I find the situations I am in when taking them sometimes quite hilarious and I will have so many stories when I come back... :)

That is all for now, it is now time to go do more work :)
I love you all and miss you!
I'm still waiting on those cookies by the way! :P

Rest, Frustration, Children, Kibera, Learning, Jibberish, and COOKIES?

Much time has passes since I last updated. I have already been in Kenya for a few days shy of a month! Although we have not done much yet, time has flown by. I have had ample time to rest, get over jet lag, and become adjusted to life in Africa once more. Coming off of the summer that I had, I was in a constant, desperate plea to God to give me some rest- any rest. Although I have been increasingly frustrated with having nothing to do and with the stagnancy here, I have been quite blessed by our time to chill. I keep reminding myself that all this is just my Father looking out for me :) Thus, I am rested and relaxed. I have been able to read and nap and drink wine and cook and do many other things that the summer simply didn't allow for. That said, the rest has been broken by periods and times of frustration with life, specifically school, here. They, being the administration, has instituted a new policy this semester. It is called zero-balance and all students must pay all of their entire semester's fees before being allowed to register for classes and attend them. They did not inform the students of said policy before their return three weeks ago and thus the students have returned without the money to pay their fees in completion. This has caused classes to be delayed as their are no students because they have all been trying to figure out how to get money to pay and not in class. Professors have become lax and are also not showing up to class and are canceling for personal, and silly, reasons. I got here three and a half weeks ago and have only had one real class period. Tonight, Chris and I spoke with several important members of our department and the administration to voice our frustrations and the importance of not missing anymore classes. We fear not being able to get credit at CSB/SJU for the classes here if they do not start immediately and if we do not make up the time we have lost. We have a meeting scheduled with the Dean of Students and dinner with the President of the university next week. I feel bad speaking out so strongly here, as I am happy and blessed to be here, but I have to look out for myself-especially when things are so dire. I will keep you posted as to what happens. My internships look to be quite interesting and I am excited to get going with them. I am working with the Pax Christi Greater Horn of Africa Network and I will be helping them to create their first newsletter (researching, writing, editing, etc.) as well as helping with a youth group in Djibouti and a task force for the upcoming elections in Sudan. I am also working for an organization called ChemChemi Ya Ukweli (it means "Spring of Truth" in Kiswahili) and it is Kenya's only organization advocating for non-violence. It deals with two things: Active Non-Violence (ANV) and with inter-religious dialogue and conflicts. I will be helping to create and update an archive of current events that can be used in future research or articles as well as attending, aiding, and put on meetings and trainings in ANV all over the country. I am excited to have half my job focus on current events and educating myself on the issues currently affecting Kenya and the wider region. Volunteering has not yet begun, but this weekend I took my first trip to Nakuru (just a bit northwest of Nairobi) and I was in an extremely rural town to the north of Nakuru staying with some Franciscan friars and volunteers from Germany at a place they have there and after mass on Sunday, we went to a home for disabled children that they have nearby and played with them for an hour or two. It was glorious!!! I forgot just how much I LOVE to love on African children and what fun and what blessings they are. Their laughs and their smiles and their affection is enough to burst your heart with joy. I feel as if I could run, play, and tickle tirelessly with them. Playing with them awoke in my heart feelings of joy and love for this place and these people that I have not yet felt since being here. I decided that I need to start volunteering with children soon. Very soon. I know just the place to begin... Our first week we went to Kibera. Kibera is the largest slum in Africa with over one million people. We went and did a slum walk and visited the library that CSB/SJU sponsors in their "Books for Kibera" campaign and a couple of other places. One was a rescue center for children orphaned by HIV/AIDS, some who have the disease themselves. The kids were precious and I would love to go back and spend time with them. I not only felt tugs at my heart strings with the children, but from the entire slum itself. The media portrays places such as these as morbid; places that people just wait in to die. I will be honest, I fell for the ruse. However, walking the two or three miles through the slum that we did, I was overcome with senses of humanity, community, dignity, and HOPE. These beautiful souls were not waiting around to die-not in the least! Life was busy, bustling, and moving fast! People had things to do and places to go. They were trying their very hardest to change their circumstances, absolutely the farthest thing from giving up. It was inspiring to witness such perseverance and hope among this community of people. Don't get me wrong however, people should never have to live in such conditions-ever. It was filthy, dusty, cramped (even though it stretched for miles), without toilets or a basic sanitation system, etc, etc, etc-the list goes on and on. Talk about taking even the most basic things for granted... Yet I fell in love with the hope and the community there. They were the senses that made me want to be in solidarity with them, not as an outsider, but as an insider-to really understand their lives and their cultures. I will also update on future time spent there. I'll try to put up pictures on facebook soon as well. I am (very) slowly learning Kiswahili. I know a few select phrases-many ways to greet people at all times of the day and simple answers to them. A couple random words that I can throw into conversations at random when I feel they fit. The Kenyans always laugh when I do this however-but hey, how else am I supposed to practice?!? And I am becoming able to pick out specific words when they speak to each other, which is a big step considering that half of it still sounds like jibberish to me since my ears are so foreign to this language. My favorite is "naku penda" meaning simply "I love you" :) I was quite sick for the duration of my third week here-in addition to overcoming my cold/sinus infection, I developed somewhat of a stomach bug caused by who knows what kind of bug and cured by Cipro this weekend. I quit taking my malaria medicine after the first week here because there is virtually no threat inside of Nairobi and I am convinced it was making me seriously depressed. My level of homesickness decreased significantly after stopping it and my level of overall contentedness rose quite a lot as well. I survived the dreaded malaria once, I feel as if I can do it again. :) I just finished reading my new favorite book-entitled Eat, Pray, Love and written by Elizabeth Gilbert. It tells of Liz's story of a year of her life which she began broken and depressed and ended happy and filled with peace and contentment. Her journey took her to Italy, India, and Indonesia. In Italy she learned Italian and gorged herself with delicious food and learned the art of pleasure-of taking time to fulfill oneself without feeling guilty about indulging. In India she spent her time at an ashram learning the art of meditation and devotion-of being in the presence of God. In Indonesia, she learned to balance the two lifestyles-one lacking structure and filled with pleasure and of fulfilling wants and desires and the one of structure and holiness and divinity and peace. Her journey is inspiring and she is able to tell it in a captivating way that allows the reader to feel and learn alongside her. I learned so much from this book and it brought many questions I have to my attention about God and my relationship with Him/Her and what I want that to look like and strive towards. I have so much to say yet on the topic and many questions but it is something I need to process first :) Read it though, if you get a chance... And for sure let me know what you think the instant you finish. I have been feeling unusual here, different than how I expected to feel. I was expecting all out elation to be back in Africa again. I was expecting to fall in love instantly just as I did with Uganda. (I believe my first words off the plane in Uganda were "this is my new favorite place" or something like that...) Strangely though, until this weekend with the children, out of the city, with nature, in a rural village, I have not felt much. Sure, I am excited and blessed to be here, but I have not felt really anything out of the ordinary. We are just here, in Kenya, and this is just life, as usual. Perhaps it is because we are not constantly doing things-we are indeed, just going to school-like back home and like I normally do. It's just in a new environment this time. This weekend I really felt love though-love for God, love for people, and love for life and especially this place and these children. Perhaps I'm just not a city girl (at least for any city other than San Fran)... We shall see once things get moving :) I am getting along alright with life right now. The cultural differences have been frustrating, for me especially I feel, because by nature, as everyone knows, I am direct and assertive. Here, it is quite simple: they are absolutely not. Not in any way shape or form. They are as indirect and avoiding as can be. And to be honest: it drives me NUTS! But I am learning patience and the ways of the round-about people in the world. Slowly (of course). But I am trying and slowly learning, so Chris says at least. It becomes quite difficult when you don't know what you do that makes you direct and assertive and what it is that makes you not direct and not assertive. Hmm... Progress is progress though. I do feel at home here-quite so. I answer the door when the bell rings. I know the schedule and the ins and outs. When we have power and when we don't. I know where everything goes in the kitchen and I've attended evening and night prayers with the sisters. I was gone for a weekend and they really missed having me around the house. We laugh and joke and poke fun at each other when we are all together putting the dishes away and cleaning up after dinner every night. We have inside jokes and bad days as well. They know that I am not a morning person and that I won't wear socks or shoes no matter how many times they tell me to and I know that Sister Eddie is cheeky and that Sister Theresita isn't as hard as she seems and that she is always "on my side" and that Chris is slow but there are reasons for it. We are a family and although I miss mine quite a lot (A LOT!!!) I am happy to have them and I love them dearly :) I also want to put in a word about the women in Kenya in general. It is something I have noticed since being here quite a lot. The women have a strength and a resilience about them that is absolutely incredible and outstanding. Their strength emanates from them and empowers each other. There is no load that I have seen a man carrying here that I have not seen a woman double and carry with ease. They are not afraid of working HARD and do not try to get out of it. They do not claim excuses or ask for rest. They are seemingly tireless. When speaking, they have conviction and strength in their words. They know the power and strength they wield. I have come to love that about being here-nothing is enough to make you give up. It's inspiring and strengthening for my own soul to be around such women :) Alas, that is all for now. Quite a lot, I know. If you have made it this far-I would be impressed :) I'll try to write sooner rather than later next time :) I leave you with one request: If you have time and a bit of love and generosity in your heart (and wallet) I am sorely missing baked goods-namely chocolate chip (or any other type of) COOKIES!!! So if you feel like making up a batch and sending them my way, you would be my favorite person by far and reap the rewards (not only in heaven!!!) Think about it is all I'm saying... I miss everyone quite a lot and hope you are all well and thriving and loving :) Write me if you get a chance and I will surely write back quite soon! Martha Kaempffer P.O. Box 15155 Code 00509 Langata, Nairobi Kenya mtkaempffer@csbsju.edu Amani.