Thus confined and breaking free

I write today as my heart and mind are full. Full of many things.
My life these past days and weeks, I suppose, can perhaps be likened to trying to get out of a matatu packed with people that you have been stuck in for over an hour in the sun, dust, and traffic. You have gotten stuck with the very back, corner seat and it seems that there are a million people, or barriers between you and the door, which means freedom, in this case. And thus in order to get there, you must wiggle and turn and twist your way out. But there is always a path; there is always a way out. Looking at it from the seat you are in, it seems impossible to worm your way through the seats and people into air a bit less-stagnant than inside the matatu, but you decide to give it a go and everything ends up fitting just the way it should and soon, after some heavy twisting and effort, you break free into, compared to the air inside the matatu-which has been passing through anywhere from 15-19 pairs of lungs for a very long period of time-what seems to be fresh air. You are thus rewarded for your struggle to get out.

I make this analogy not to give my recent journey a bad connotation, not at all. For it has been good and so rewarding. But I feel as if I have been uncomfortable in my seat for so long and I am being shown a way out and in order to get there I must twist and wiggle and struggle to find my way. It is the best kind of struggle however, one that will take my whole life-the struggle to find God.

Let me start from square one...
I think that I have become a bit of an external processor :) (Surprised?) Thus, since I have had several intense and long conversations lately (and also read some incredible books), I have 'processed' many new things and discovered things about myself and my beliefs that I had never truly realized. I have realized that I have always struggled with organized religion for a reason. I have realized what I believe life is all about. I have realized that I have much seeking and learning and changing to do.

I have struggled with organized religion for so long because I feel like it confines me instead of giving me the freedom to know God and to live out his love. I feel like it tells me how to live and judges me and other people. I do not feel like it leaves much room anymore for how God wants me to live and for God to judge me and others. I feel as if the people around me put on a show on Sundays and the rest of the week they perhaps think that God can't see them and thus they don't have to be Christians. They make spirituality a part of their life. They don't make their life their spirituality, which is what I believe God calls us to do. What good does sitting in church on Sundays do if you are not living out what you are learning and hearing? I feel sad when I hear about the politics in the church and about the discrimination towards people who are different and who we do not understand and who we fear. In reality, I believe that God made each and every one of us exactly the way we are-incredibly unique and special. How amazing is it that He created billions and billions of people-all differently? We have no right to judge or discriminate against others, for they were created in the image of God just like you and I-they have God living in them! When we shun and discriminate against others, we are shunning and judging God. Who exactly do we think we are? We take for granted so much in this life-including the ability God gave us to judge and hate and fear. I feel like so much of organized religion has lost its focus, its purpose, and its meaning. Religion, spirituality, and faith are not about showing up to church on Sundays and putting on a good show. They are about and for the purpose of living out God's will and for loving God, your neighbors, and yourself. That's it. It seems so simple, yet it is incredibly difficult-no wonder this has become lost.

If you disagree, I ask you to look at the world today. Why is it that the church judges so harshly homosexuals when God made them just like you and I and when it is not up to them to judge them, but up to God? Why is it that there is still so much fighting among the peoples of this world? Among Christians? How is pointing a gun at a fellow human being (in the name of security or not) what God calls us to do? How is sitting back and watching people die in Afghanistan and in Sudan and so many other places in the world loving our neighbor? God never said loving would be easy; when did people become so afraid of hard work? If people were truly Christian, truly living by the simple rule of love, I believe that things of this nature would not occur.

So, I do feel confined by religion. I feel confined by rules and judgement. I do not believe the lives of Christians today and even people of other religions (although Christianity is what I know most about) were how God intended for people to live. I do not believe that one religion is 'more right' than another religion. I believe it's all the same God and that people are entitled to worship Him and believe in Him how they choose. "Since no one knows what the true image of God is, who can decry the image that someone holds close to his heart?"

I have discovered how strongly and firmly I believe in one simple rule that is common for all people of all faiths however. That rule is so simple in nature, but so difficult to live out. That is LOVE. What else is there really? This principle is across all faiths and cultures and people-it is found everywhere. If love was simply lived out-all other actions and morality can be derived from this. You are either loving God, your neighbor, and yourself or you are not. To me, this is black and white. I believe so strongly that I am called to love each and every human being in this world as the image and piece of God that they are and to show them this love as best I can.

A story. This summer in San Francisco, I was standing in line outside Glide Memorial Church waiting for food and talking with the homeless in line with me. I was talking to this man who had been in federal prison for 17 years. He had killed multiple people. He was telling me about how much intense hate he had for the world and for all people. I remember at that point vividly knowing that the amount of hate that this man had inside of him, times infinity, was how much love God had put into my heart for all of his creation. I am certainly not very good at showing this love all the time. I still judge people and discriminate. I still walk past people on the street and ignore them and fail to see God's light inside of them. But I know how much a part of me and how driven by this love I am and I am committed to becoming this love. To reducing myself only to this love. Realizing this has given me so much explanation and meaning and purpose. Someday I will learn to live and love selflessly-all people. Someday I hope to stop judging and discriminating. I struggle to remain conscious of these things at all times, in all of my interactions.

I believe that God, right now, is testing me. He is with me in my struggle, this I know. He is asking me to keep loving selflessly, to keep reducing myself to love, when there are so many earthly reasons why I should revoke my love and instead place distance. He is teaching me what it is to be selfless and to love when you get nothing in return, to love when what you get in return is painful and hurtful. Choosing to love cannot become a habit. It is even more than a daily choice one must make. It is a choice one must make in every situation and thought. It is changing your entire life so that it becomes just about love. In every sense, you are reduced to this love. It is accepting love in return, but not failing to love when love does not come back in return.

There have been times lately when I am on the very verge of giving up and taking the easy route and putting up distance. There have been so many times when just ignoring the people on the street seems so much easier than seeking out the piece of God inside them and loving them for that. There have been so many times when I am exhausted and crabby after dinner, but I still go into the kitchen to help to the dishes out of love for my family here. There have been so many instances of absolutely not wanting to ask if I can do this or that for someone, but doing it because, in fact, I am doing this or that for God. There have also been many times where I have let the difficulty overcome me and I have failed to love. But I am learning and I am a student of this love and this God.

Thus I feel as if I have been confined by the boundaries of my 'religion' for so long and just now am I realizing the potential that breaking free of these boundaries offers. I am right now looking for a way to practice my faith and exploring all that the world has to offer in this respect. I am looking for teachers and for others who believe so strongly and who feel so consumed by and so called to love to surround myself by and to learn from. For I am not ready yet to be teacher for others or to BE this change I believe so much in as an example to others. I am trying to figure out the words right now to describe what I believe my actions should be and by this, I hope to some day be able to 'preach, and when necessary, use words."

I am still on this journey and still questioning so much about what I believe about God, about love, about myself and my actions, and about others and how I should live my life and become this change I so seek. What a struggle! But as I said, a struggle of the best kind :)

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As for Kenya, I absolutely love it here. I am homesick, of course, but it is no longer the sharp ache I had when I arrived. Life here is so good. I am extremely busy with classes and internships, hence not blogging for so long! But I am loving every minute of it. I am doing some incredible things-I will share more later on that however. :) I am also beginning to enjoy picking up the culture here. I love that greetings are no longer awkward because I know what to do and what to expect-the right handshake and questions to ask and everything! I am picking up bits and pieces of Kiswahili as well-haha I don't expect that I'll ever be fluent however. I get a lot of joy from cooking for the household and from the people I live with. Especially from my 'grandmother' here who is so sweet and funny, you can't help but burst with love and affection for her. I am learning the culture of the matatus as well-I find the situations I am in when taking them sometimes quite hilarious and I will have so many stories when I come back... :)

That is all for now, it is now time to go do more work :)
I love you all and miss you!
I'm still waiting on those cookies by the way! :P