I Saw What I Saw

A friend forwarded this video to me. I watched it not knowing what it would be about. And it turned out to be a song with lyrics and a message that I can't get out of my head. Here's the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdP6PqsbJY Her name is Sara Groves and the song is called "I Saw What I Saw." Here are the lyrics: I saw what I saw and I can't forget it I heard what I heard and I can't go back I know what I know and I can't deny it Something on the road, cut me to the soul Your pain has changed me Your dream inspires Your face a memory Your hope a fire Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of (what I am made of) And what I know of love We've done what we've done and we can't erase it We are what we are and it's more than enough We have what we have but it's no substitution Something on the road, cut me to the soul I say what I say with no hesitation I have what I have but I'm giving it up I do what I do with deep conviction Something along the road, changed my world I can't really put into words how much this song hits home for me. When I was in Uganda, and especially when I got back-- this is how I felt. The first stanza is exactly how I feel about what I witnessed. That's why my life revolves around working for justice. Because I can't forget what I've seen and heard, and what I know. I don't think that a person can forget something like that. I wish that everyone was required to spend some time in places like Africa so that they could see it, not forget about it, and be moved to action. If only... The line, "Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of (what I am made of)" has been resonating within my head all day. The courage and light shown by all of the people that I met while I was there--even in the face of terrible poverty, war, and other hardships--confronted my innermost fears. If they could do it, so could I. Their courage in the face of the things holding them down, asks me what am I going to do to help? What am I going to do to change their situation and make their lives better. Because they deserve to have everything I've got in me to give them-and more. So I am working on getting over my fear of giving myself completely. I have what it takes to make this world a better place for us all to live it. The fact that others can show that kind of inner resilience and strength tells me that I can too. I think that this is going to be one of those phrases which holds different meanings for me at different places along my journey. "I do what I do with deep conviction" and the two lines before that... The definition of conviction is " an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence." I have an unshakable belief in God and in doing what is right. I have no evidence that this is the correct way to live life-according to God's will. My proof lies in my heart. So I learn about all of these 'causes', and I educate as many others as I can about them, and I serve those who are less fortunate and suffering, and I dedicate my life to trying to make this world a little better for all who live here because I know in my heart that it is what God intended for me to do. "Something along the road cut me to the soul... and changed my world." I don't know what it was or how it happened. But my journey has become this insatiable need to serve God and to be the change that the world needs to see. Needless to say, I loved this song.

Floating...

So the first week of classes has come and gone. I'm a bit torn at this point. There have been many times over the past week where I have wanted to write. About the amount of homework, the lack of time, anxiety, etc. But I made myself stop. In reality, I love all of my classes. I have two Peace Studies classes-one on mediation and conflict resolution and the other on development. I have two Political Science classes-one on politics and political life and the other on international political economy. I am learning an infinite amount and I am so privileged to be here learning all that I am. So I will not complain about the amount of reading and homework that I have, but take it one day at a time and remain focused and excited about all that I am learning. Hey, I'm in college now-this is the big leagues right? I suppose I've been lucky up until now that the work load hasn't piled up like this. That said, this semester, I have been feeling differently about things. I am no longer in a bajillion meetings a day-I only have 4 or 5 a week. I spend most of my time reading for classes. I am working on the balancing act, trying to get everything I need to do done, so that I can have some personal time. I feel like I'm really craving some personal time at this point. Or at least time with a good friend, spent not talking about classes and stuff we have to do, but about real things-spirituality, God, life and living, and the list goes on. I'm working right now not to lose my sense of wonder at God's works because I'm holed up in my room all day reading. I'm working on trying to find a middle-point between being overly involved in all the things I had going on last semester and not being involved much beyond attending meetings for lack of time which leads to a lack of motivation and excitment over the actual things themselves. I've been struggling with how to spend my time. So many different things demand it-my residents, my friends, my family, my homework, Amnesty, Campus Ministry, sleep, personal time.... What to pick and choose? All of these are priorities-the top in fact. (I have already let everything else go). So I think I will just have to tough it out this semester and take it one day at a time and let go of the hopes and expectations I had for this time. God is trying to show me once again that I have no control and that I must trust where He leads me. So I'll be taking it one day, one book, one project, one resident, one friend, one moment of silence, at a time from now on. I was sitting in a campus ministry meeting last week. I was late (as usual) and I rushed into the room with an apologetic look on my face. They were in the middle of a beautiful song-I don't remember the artist, the title, or any of the words except one phrase. I sat down and was working on calming the rushed feeling I had in my body. All of a sudden, a phrase from the song made it's way into my train of thought-"He is with you always." And my body instantly warmed and I felt like huge hands were engulfing me in warmth and comfort and holding me close. And I smiled because I realized that even when I have no idea and the furthest thing from my mind is God-He's still there, right with me. He never leaves even when I pay Him no attention. It's an incredible feeling to know that I am loved that much and that I am never alone. What a great moment! On Saturday, I had dinner with my mom who was up on a retreat with some of her co-workers. We all had dinner together and I was talking to a man named John who I have met a few times and had great conversations with. He mentioned a quote that Bernie Evans said in his sessions with them. "What you give does not depend on what you have, but on what is needed." I have had a few days to think about it and I am still marveling at the truth and wisdom in the statement. I can be true not only on a personal level, but on a world-wide scale. Personally, you should give until nothing more is needed. This world is filled with so much suffering and tragedy that no one should ever give up or stop giving-regardless of what they have to give. People never run low on love-so if nothing else, we should give our love. To everyone and anyone who needs it. On a larger scale, I think it relates to the ethics of aid. How much do people actually stop to consider what the marginalized in the world really need beyond food, water, and shelter? How many times have countries stormed into other countries with an agenda of what is needed in that country without having any real knowledge at all? We all need to slow down and listen to each other's needs so that we can best figure out how to get everyone's needs met. I think it has to do with comfort levels-what you or I am comfortable giving, is not necessarily what is needed. If basic needs are not being met, that creates feelings of insecurity which can easily escalate into conflict and violence-both on personal and global levels. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I've only been toying with these ideas for a few days... Perhaps I'll take another stab at it next time. :) I watched the inauguration this morning. It was absolutely incredible. I watched history taking place. I know that this man is going to try his hardest to create a better world. I truly believe that he will make change happen. But he cannot do this alone and I hope that the American people realize this and continue to support and help him-that they don't just sit back and watch him work. This is our country, not his. WE need to make the change happen, not just him. So Barack, I support you. Americans, I support you too. My thoughts and prayers are with Obama and this nation as we begin this incredible journey. We can do this! It also occured to me what an incredible thing we have going for us in the United States. We have the ability to change leadership (especially when surrounded by controversy) peacefully and smoothly. There are many countries in the world that cannot conduct free, fair, and non-violent elections in which all citizens get their say in who leads them. There are places in the world where people die trying to cast their vote and voice their opinion. We are lucky to have stability and peace within our borders. Although I cannot condone some of the things our country has and is doing, today I was truly proud to be an American. I was proud to have taken part in such an amazing process. And I pray that someday, other countries are able to put aside their histories, conflicts, corruption, and violence and accomplish what we did today. These are just a few of the many things that have been floating in my mind lately. It's a bit all over the place and quite possibly completely incoherent. But I leave with something I found a while back that I return to every once in a while...

Do everything with a mind that lets go. Do not expect any praise or reward. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.