Floating...

So the first week of classes has come and gone. I'm a bit torn at this point. There have been many times over the past week where I have wanted to write. About the amount of homework, the lack of time, anxiety, etc. But I made myself stop. In reality, I love all of my classes. I have two Peace Studies classes-one on mediation and conflict resolution and the other on development. I have two Political Science classes-one on politics and political life and the other on international political economy. I am learning an infinite amount and I am so privileged to be here learning all that I am. So I will not complain about the amount of reading and homework that I have, but take it one day at a time and remain focused and excited about all that I am learning. Hey, I'm in college now-this is the big leagues right? I suppose I've been lucky up until now that the work load hasn't piled up like this. That said, this semester, I have been feeling differently about things. I am no longer in a bajillion meetings a day-I only have 4 or 5 a week. I spend most of my time reading for classes. I am working on the balancing act, trying to get everything I need to do done, so that I can have some personal time. I feel like I'm really craving some personal time at this point. Or at least time with a good friend, spent not talking about classes and stuff we have to do, but about real things-spirituality, God, life and living, and the list goes on. I'm working right now not to lose my sense of wonder at God's works because I'm holed up in my room all day reading. I'm working on trying to find a middle-point between being overly involved in all the things I had going on last semester and not being involved much beyond attending meetings for lack of time which leads to a lack of motivation and excitment over the actual things themselves. I've been struggling with how to spend my time. So many different things demand it-my residents, my friends, my family, my homework, Amnesty, Campus Ministry, sleep, personal time.... What to pick and choose? All of these are priorities-the top in fact. (I have already let everything else go). So I think I will just have to tough it out this semester and take it one day at a time and let go of the hopes and expectations I had for this time. God is trying to show me once again that I have no control and that I must trust where He leads me. So I'll be taking it one day, one book, one project, one resident, one friend, one moment of silence, at a time from now on. I was sitting in a campus ministry meeting last week. I was late (as usual) and I rushed into the room with an apologetic look on my face. They were in the middle of a beautiful song-I don't remember the artist, the title, or any of the words except one phrase. I sat down and was working on calming the rushed feeling I had in my body. All of a sudden, a phrase from the song made it's way into my train of thought-"He is with you always." And my body instantly warmed and I felt like huge hands were engulfing me in warmth and comfort and holding me close. And I smiled because I realized that even when I have no idea and the furthest thing from my mind is God-He's still there, right with me. He never leaves even when I pay Him no attention. It's an incredible feeling to know that I am loved that much and that I am never alone. What a great moment! On Saturday, I had dinner with my mom who was up on a retreat with some of her co-workers. We all had dinner together and I was talking to a man named John who I have met a few times and had great conversations with. He mentioned a quote that Bernie Evans said in his sessions with them. "What you give does not depend on what you have, but on what is needed." I have had a few days to think about it and I am still marveling at the truth and wisdom in the statement. I can be true not only on a personal level, but on a world-wide scale. Personally, you should give until nothing more is needed. This world is filled with so much suffering and tragedy that no one should ever give up or stop giving-regardless of what they have to give. People never run low on love-so if nothing else, we should give our love. To everyone and anyone who needs it. On a larger scale, I think it relates to the ethics of aid. How much do people actually stop to consider what the marginalized in the world really need beyond food, water, and shelter? How many times have countries stormed into other countries with an agenda of what is needed in that country without having any real knowledge at all? We all need to slow down and listen to each other's needs so that we can best figure out how to get everyone's needs met. I think it has to do with comfort levels-what you or I am comfortable giving, is not necessarily what is needed. If basic needs are not being met, that creates feelings of insecurity which can easily escalate into conflict and violence-both on personal and global levels. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I've only been toying with these ideas for a few days... Perhaps I'll take another stab at it next time. :) I watched the inauguration this morning. It was absolutely incredible. I watched history taking place. I know that this man is going to try his hardest to create a better world. I truly believe that he will make change happen. But he cannot do this alone and I hope that the American people realize this and continue to support and help him-that they don't just sit back and watch him work. This is our country, not his. WE need to make the change happen, not just him. So Barack, I support you. Americans, I support you too. My thoughts and prayers are with Obama and this nation as we begin this incredible journey. We can do this! It also occured to me what an incredible thing we have going for us in the United States. We have the ability to change leadership (especially when surrounded by controversy) peacefully and smoothly. There are many countries in the world that cannot conduct free, fair, and non-violent elections in which all citizens get their say in who leads them. There are places in the world where people die trying to cast their vote and voice their opinion. We are lucky to have stability and peace within our borders. Although I cannot condone some of the things our country has and is doing, today I was truly proud to be an American. I was proud to have taken part in such an amazing process. And I pray that someday, other countries are able to put aside their histories, conflicts, corruption, and violence and accomplish what we did today. These are just a few of the many things that have been floating in my mind lately. It's a bit all over the place and quite possibly completely incoherent. But I leave with something I found a while back that I return to every once in a while...

Do everything with a mind that lets go. Do not expect any praise or reward. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.