jum[bled]

I'm in such a state of different feelings and emotions right now. I can't even describe or begin to untangle the different things that I"m feeling.

I've just come back from a [much needed] holiday on the coast of Kenya. I spent a week doing absolutely nothing but reading, sleeping, and relaxing in the sun and white sand beaches of Diani (just south of the port town of Mombasa). I stayed at a wonderful, all inclusive, beach resort filled with lots of elderly German people, most of which spoke no English (even the Kenyans spoke German). I didn't mind much-more time to be alone and not be bothered by exactly what I was trying to escape from: people. The past four months have been great yes, but also trying and taxing and wearing on my body, heart, mind, and soul. I am fatigued and exhausted and needed so much to get away. The week was perfect (except for the quite painful sunburn I attained-hey, I've never experienced sun on the equator before... Who knew?). Some highlights: I read "Long Walk to Freedom" by Nelson Mandela in preparation for South Africa-I have many thoughts on it and was quite surprised by my reaction to the book-I rode a camel on the beach: twice, I collected sea shells, I went to bed early and woke up when I wanted to, I went on a glass-bottomed boat, held a live starfish, walked and played on a sandbar, went snorkeling for the very first time, met a lovely Jehovas Witness Finnish couple whom I went snorkeling with again by ourselves, met a wonderful 70 year-old man from Munich who was short and stout. didn't speak much English, and whom I experienced the love and warmth of Jesus in, saw sea snakes, eels, nemos (clown fish), lion fish, angel fish, tons more pretty colored fish, starfish, sea urchins, coral, and lots of other incredible things while snorkeling, was given Aloe Vera by a very nice woman with an incredible and distinct laugh that was full of life who took pity on me and my sunburn, participated in water aerobics with a young Kenyan man and 5 other ancient German women who were so much fun to be around, although we didn't understand each other at all, delighted in a few glasses of wine poolside under the stars listening to the waves crash along the dark beach, spent time watching the miniature crabs scuttle side to side across the sand and in and out of their little holes, had a few close calls and one major loss of peanuts to a monkey, declared war on the geckos which insisted, no matter what I did upon being in my room at night, got dolled up for dinner every night just because I could, and completely ignored everything that I left behind and put it all out of my head for the week. I'm sure that was confusing to read through, but did constitute the majority of my week, I loved it and felt much better coming back to Nairobi and all that it currently holds for me.

I realized during the week that in the past few weeks of being here, I had lost my 'sparkle.' Throughout my time here, several people, one of my favorite Italian monks in particular always mentioned to me that my eyes were positively sparkling. Each time, I laughed and the light inside me burned a little brighter. :) But the past few weeks have been so full of conflict, stress, sickness, worry, and fatigue that my sparkle has dissipated. People would ask me how much sleep I had gotten because I looked terrible after waking up from a full 8 hours of sleep. I prayed, while I was away, for God to help me to find a way to ignite that sparkle again. By the end of the week because of prayer and the people I met and the experiences I had and the time away and the rest, I felt that the sparkle had reappeared, I could feel the light again. Coming back to Nairobi last night, I was, again, plunged into the same conflicts, the same stresses, the same worries, and spent the night not sleeping, but thinking a million miles a minute. I am struggling now to not let the little flame run into hiding once more.

I haven't blogged about this yet, but I decided to go home for Christmas. I've been away for 7 months now (I really can't count the two days in between San Fran and Kenya as anything...). Away from family, friends, and familiar places. The prospect of spending another 6 months or so on top of the 7 already away was a bit overwhelming especially since the plans of my traveling companions had also changed which would have left me alone in Africa for the better portion of a month. I made the decision quickly and am flying home on the 7th of December. I'll be there midday on the 8th. One week from tomorrow. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to anything this much. The prospect of being able to spend time being loved (in person!) and loving (again, in person) on my family and friends is one that I couldn't turn down. I've realized being away all this time how important loved ones are and how important 'home' is. I pride myself on my ability to create a home for myself wherever I currently happen to be, but have also realized that spending 3 months here, and 4 months there cannot replace the lifetime or the years spent with family or with friends. The people you call your family in these places are incredible and love you and all of that yes, but they don't truly know you the way the people from home do. Especially when you're in a different culture! I love Kenya and I love the people here, my family, but I am certainly more than ready to head home. I miss being around people who love me and who can show me that they love me! I miss being able to show the people I love that I love them in the ways that I know best. I'm needing the TLC and nurturing that comes from parents and best friends and tea and snuggling sessions. :) I am entirely confident that my decision will strengthen my relationships and nurse my body, mind, heart, and soul back to health as I am utterly broken and bone-tired at this point. I bet my 'sparkle' will be back before you know it too :)

So I'm leaving this place that I've lived for the past 4 months in just 7 days. All the people and places and things that have filled my time and my heart I will have to say good-bye to. I'll be back one day I'm sure but it's a bit sad to leave. Although I'm more than ready, my heart still twangs when Sister Theresita calls me her "Daughtie" (Daughter) and laughs the way she does and looks at me over the top of her glasses. I will sorely miss these dear people who have opened their hearts to me these past months. I will miss the leisurely pace of life here and the "Sawa" attitude.

I'm looking foreward to SNOW, and having tea with dear friends, and cooking and sharing meals with people, and visiting campus again, seeing my residents I never thought I'd miss but do incredibly much, going to student mass, going to Maine for Christmas with my Grandma and cousins, going to church at the Basilica, shopping for bridesmaids dresses with Kayla, spending time in the lovely Twin Cities, being 21! in the U.S., watching movies with my Dad, talking to my Mom, having wine and chocolate with Shannon and talking for HOURS, gossiping with Collin, catching up with the latest happenings in everyone's lives, and SO MUCH MORE! Just thinking about all of these things brings huge smiles to my face and tears of excitement and pure joy to my eyes. My heart skips and I can't help but believe that these things are only 7 days away!

I'm also listening currently to "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne on my ipod. It also brings tears to my eyes when I hear him talk about his vision of the church and what being a follower of Christ and being a CHRISTIAN look like. It's something I yearn so much for and feel so called to that I don't know what to do with myself. It makes me think about my experiences working with the homeless this summer in San Fran and how powerful that was and the people I met there and the ways that I met God through the people and the experiences I had there. He's based in Philidelphia, yet another city with an overwhelming population of homeless. He worked with Mother Theresa in Calcutta. The tenderness and love with which he describes the people and the experiences and God is incredible. It's the way we were meant to live. I am so convinced. Although I still cannot call myself a Christian because of the Church and because of the people sitting next to me in church on Sundays (not all of them of course) who call themselves Christian but don't let their proclaimed "Christianity" interact with their daily life, thoughts, and actions, I feel like I could call myself one again one day. The Church needs a revolution, so many people I feel, are like me, and like Shane for that matter, and yearn for more, yearn to be better and yearn to be true Christians and followers of Christ. His message is incredible and I'm only a third of the way through the book!

My emotions are ridiculously conflicting... I'm a bit lost right now in the midst and tangle of them. I'm confused, conflicted, broken, hurt, and tired. But I'm excited, loved, passionate, blessed, and revitalized as well. I cannot push aside the brokenness and just focus on the positive as I am so tempted. God finds us and loves us in our brokenness and He is making Himself apparent to me through this struggle and challenge. He is challenging me to find love (both for myself and for others) and to follow Him and His Word, as extremely difficult as I am finding that challenge right now and as frustrated as I am with it, I know He is here with me guiding me and loving me.

I don't want this last week to be a "just hang on until it's over week." I want to do this week right and accept my challenges and try to overcome them. I want to savor these last days with these people and share in good company and memories. I want to tie up loose ends and make sure I leave regrets behind me. I want to give this last week all I've got left, no matter how tired or frustrated I may be, God and this place and these people deserve what I've got left.

Looking over all of this, it's such a jumble of everything--pretty much my head right now. It's helped a bit to write it out some-thanks for hanging on :)