:D

Hello again :)
I am back from an insane weekend! I don't have the energy right now to explain everything that occurred, but the highlights are these: BEAUTIFUL scenery in Hell's Gate and in Menengai Crater, biking through said beauty, lots of intimidating buffalo blocking our path and sharing our campsite with us, other cool animals, cat (leopard or cheetah) prints outside our tent in the morning, camping, campfires, moon and stars, hyaenas calling in the night, exploring the bottom of a SWEET gorge, showering in hot springs, wading barefoot in a stream at the bottom of the gorge, incredible views from above, biking several kilometers in the pouring rain and getting soaked, boda-boda rides (motorcycles), finding a hotel in Nakuru, sleeping with two non-snoring guys for 2 nights in a row, climbing over 400 meters down into one of the largest craters, trying to climb out of the crater in the rain and hail up the side of a cliff on goat trails, dislocating/spraining my shoulder in the middle of trying to climb the side of the mountain and still having to continue for fear of landslides, getting muddy and changing in our guides 'shop', taking boda-bodas down the mountain, getting cheated the ENTIRE weekend by EVERYONE and paying way more than we should have, having a blast, having good conversation with good friends, making enough memories to last a lifetime...

Needless to say, this weekend was crazy, but I loved it. I have spent the last few days back here at my hostel resting, catching up on sleep, and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with my shoulder. I'm going for a third opinion tomorrow...

But I have realized a couple of things since I last wrote.

I LOVE living in the moment. I LOVE recognizing the perfection in small moments and soaking it in as much as I can. Like drinking tea in my living room here at night after everyone has gone to bed and reading a book for pleasure in the warm golden lamp light and silence. Or riding a crazy matatu at sunset in the city where it is so loud and obnoxious and someone's knee is in your back and elbow in your side and the sun catches your face as it leaves for the day and gives you the last bits of warmth it has and you realize that you are in Kenya and you live here! Or when you are eating at the best Italian restaurant in the ENTIRE world, drinking delicious wine and eating soul-melting food that makes you dizzy with pleasure and sharing the food, wine, and candlelight with good friends. Realizing the perfection in these moments is everything to me. The joy and gratitude I feel in those moments brings tears to my eyes. I feel as if God perfectly designs those moments for everyone but few people pause long enough to linger in the perfection and love in those moments and to appreciate them. But me, I find those moments daily. They make me realize how good life is-and how simple it should be.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for in my life. I think it has taken me coming here and being away from so many of them for me to realize how precious and what jewels they are. I cannot tell you how many countless times I have had a rough day here and gone to the post office and found a warm, love-filled letter or package, or checked my email and found an encouraging message filled once again with laughter and love. Or even signed onto Skype needing a friend and finding five that just want to listen. I appreciate all of you so much and I thank God for you every single day. How blessed I am! My heart feels full because I have such incredible people in my life. It makes me really excited to go back in 8 months and be surrounded by such wonders as these people.

I have been reading 3 really incredible books. One: Gandhi and Jesus-The Saving Power of Non-Violence, Two: The Way to God by Mahatma Gandhi, and Three: The Big Questions-A Buddhist Response to Life's Most Challenging Mysteries by Lama Surya Das. I am in the middle of all of them at once and am finding their wisdom most thrilling and true. I wanted to share a couple of quotes from them that have been ringing in my heart for a few days:

"Since no one knows what the true image of God is, who can decry the image that someone holds close to his heart?"

"God is not some person outside ourselves or away from the universe. He pervades everything and is omniscient as well as omnipotent. He does not need any praise or petitions. Being immanent in all beings, he hears everything and reads our innermost thoughts. He abides in our hearts and is nearer to us than the nails on our fingers."

"He allows us freedom and yet his compassion commands obedience to his will. But if anyone of us disdains to bow to his will, he says "So be it. My sun will shine no less for thee. My clouds will rain no less for thee. I need not force thee to accept my sway.""

"We may not be God, but we are of God, even as a little drop of water is of the ocean. Imagine it torn away from the ocean and flung millions of miles away. It becomes helpless, torn from its surroundings, and cannot feel the might and majesty of the ocean. But if someone could point out that is is the ocean, its faith would revive, it would dance with joy and the whole of the might and majesty of the ocean would be reflected in it."

"It is the duty of every human being to look carefully within and see himself as he is, and spare no pains to improve himself in body, mind, and soul. He should realize the mischief wrought by injustice, wickedness, vanity, and the like, and do his best to fight them."

"...while noticing that so many of us are eager to change the world, while relatively few are ready, willing, and able to change themselves in order to help do so. Many are called, but few choose to awaken."

"My body is the entire universe, all beings my heart and soul. You are no different."

"You simply need to realize that faith is a gift from God, ask God for it again and again, and let grace occur in its own time and way."

"God is love and whoever abides in love abides in God and God in him."

"The problem with so much of organized religion these days is that it too often seems to function as a divisive rather than uniting force, supporting rigid dogmatism, and even fanaticism, rather than the love, inclusiveness, tolerance, and spiritual evolution upon which so many early disciples based their lives. Unfortunately we can watch such divisiveness playing out in the conflicts and violence that ignited in the name of theology in the Middle East, the Balkans, Ireland, and elsewhere."

"Learning how to love is the goal and purpose of a spiritual life. Love is the way, the truth, and the light that is common to all religions and humanistic philosophies."

"How would Jesus love? Agape, or caritas-Christian love-is self-giving, unconditional love... How, then, would Buddha love? By seeing every single being, human and otherwise, as fundamentally like and equal to himself, thus enabling him to naturally treat and love others in the way he himself would choose to b e treated."

"...and for seeing the light, the Buddha, or God-whatever you call it-in others. We know we can see the light in our child or our pet dog or cat, but what about in our colleagues or the people that scare us on the street or the kinds of insects we're afraid of? Can we perceive the light, the divine, the Buddha-nature, in all?"

"We can think globally about universal love and compassion, but we have to start somewhere. Let's think globally but act locally-with ourselves and with each other."



And the list goes on...
I have loved reading these books and have found so much truth in them. I am definitely not saying by these things that I am a Buddhist or a Hindu or anything else like that. What I know though is that I am following the path right now that is showing me the most truth and is most like how I envision living my life.

I have considered myself a Catholic for so many years and what I have found again and again is that for some reason, I have always been searching for, yearning for, and missing something. A hole and an emptiness has always existed that I have desired so deeply for so long to fill. The more I learn and read and think, the more fulfilled I feel. The closer I feel (although I still have such a far distance to go-a whole lifetime!) to truth and to meaning. Chris told me the other night that my definition of 'fulfilled' and my vision of spirituality and God was definitely not Christian. I'm ok with that right now. Why do I have to define myself?

Here's what I mean by 'fulfilled.' I want so badly to be filled-with love, peace, serenity, and compassion. Absolutely filled. I don't want to desire anymore and I'm tired of being so restless all the time. I want to feel love and peace deep deep in my soul and my heart and be so confident in God and in that love and peace that come from Him that I don't feel this restless longing anymore.

I am not sure yet what my vision of God is and the role is that I believe He plays. I believe in one, all powerful, all knowing, all seeing, all loving, all everything God! I am fascinated by the idea of the Holy Spirit. One of my biggest comforts when I am frightened, or lonely, or doubtful is to envision a spirit engulfing me like a blanket and wrapping itself around me in a glow of love and peace. I can almost feel a comfortable arm around my shoulders sometimes, holding me and comforting me. When I feel alone or tired, I imagine crawling up into a giant lap to sleep in my Father's safe warmth until it passes. I believe God resides in nature-the the beautiful, breath-taking scenery I saw this weekend. I believe He resides in people (not that they ARE God, they are not) but that He is made up of all people and that He left His image inside each one of us. I enjoy trying to see that piece inside everyone-in a smile or a glimmer in their eyes or in the softness of their laughter or the gentleness of their handshake.

So I'm on a journey of figuring all of this out. Because with each passing day, I find this to be the most important part of my life. I believe I have stated this before, but I don't believe anymore that my life is supposed to contain spirituality and God. I believe that my spirituality and God contain my life in them. I don't think I'd be the best at defending my beliefs right now or explaining specifics but I know how set my heart is on these things already and I love the small amounts of peace I am finding in these things.

Mmm... Life is good and full of love.
I miss you all!