My journey has begun...

I started this blog a while ago. It's been a tab in my browser window for about a month now-right between my email and my facebook tabs. The tab is titled: "Blogger:BE the change.- Create ..." I haven't touched it or closed it out. It sits there taunting me every time I open my computer. I started something once but had no direction for it-that was the night I created my account. So here I am a month later, all of a sudden overcome with the urge to write something. So I clicked on the tab. And then in the "title" box. And came up with nothing. So I moved on to the text box and this is what I've got. I named the blog "Be the change" because it is something that I believe in. Throughout different times in my life, it has held different meanings for me. It used to mean create the change-I took it upon myself to do everything I could to change the world around me (as small as it was) with the goal that someday I would do something great and change the world. This year it has meant something different. There are a couple reasons for this I think. First of all my relationship with God has completely changed. It has become something of substance not somthing of show. It is tangible and real to me now. I depend on Him for so much and although it is a daily struggle and some days are better than others, I am learning to follow Him blindly-I am learning that God has His plan for me and that there are many things that I have no control over. And for the first time this is ok with me. I have faith that God will lead me to the places I need to be. One night comes to mind. I walked into my room late one night after hours of meetings with hours of homework to go. And I felt a wall of a building suffocation that had been storing up for weeks. It had reached a point where I could no longer ignore it. My material things were placing this huge weight on my shoulders and God was telling me to let it all go. And so I spent the next couple hours going through everything I had in my room and putting it in boxes. I ended up with three huge boxes of donations and a lot of garbage along with two free shelves in my closet and two free drawers. I was so overcome with emotion that I went for a walk in the freezing cold night air in the cemetery and told God out loud that I gave up and that I was giving everything up to Him-He had obviously been trying to tell me somthing that night and when I followed Him I felt right. He knows. And He has a plan. And so I am following blindly. The other thing that has influenced me in this change has been the people in my life. I have lost some friends this year. But I have gained so much more. I no longer want to be fake and play the game just for my social life's sake. I don't want to hang out with people who's biggest excitement in life is the party they went to Friday night and the latest episode of whatever shows are popular these days. I want to surround myself with people who I can learn from and who challenge me. Peopl who are and who have walked the same journey that I am walking-or at least one headed in the same direction. I have been able to be with some incredible people this past semester. They have taught, pushed, challenged, listened, advised, cared, and loved me. The lessons I have learned and the new perspectives they have brought into my life are incredible-the effects of which I am only beginning to feel. These incredible people exhilarate me and I cherish every moment with them dearly. So BE the change has taken on a new meaning from when I got it tattooed on my foot four months ago. It means just that. The change that I wish to see in the world has to come from myself. I need to become the change. I need to become what I was before trying to foster and create. By changing myself, other people can see that and and be influenced by the change that I have created in myself-by the person that I will become. As with any change, it has to start small and I have only just begun my journey. But I know that I was put here with a role-I have a part to play and God will take me there. And so my journey begins-right alongside the coming of the new year comes a new chapter in my life. I have so many experiences headed my way. The first being the start of a new semester. I have an opportunity this semester for immesnse personal growth (in my spirituality, my friendships, my character, personality, family life, etc). I have an opportunity to surround myself with these wonderful people once again (give or take a few) and to learn all I can from them while I am here and I have the chance. I have a list of goals and things to accomplish this semester in all of these areas. I have a direction in which to start proceeding-one that leads me towards the person I want to be. I want to make time this semester for all of this. I want to make time for discernment, thought, reflection, learning, prayer, and so many other things. This summer I will be somewhere in the U.S. facilitating mission trips for middle school and high school youth. I will be in an urban setting working to coordinate different sites like soup kitchens, homeless shelters, food shelves, nursing homes, etc and bring these kids who come to these places and hopefully influence them the way that my own experiences were influenced when I went on these very trips. I can't wait to be the hands and feet of God and to do His work. I can't wait to meet all of the people I will meet and to grow in my faith even more. this summer will be a challenge for me and I'm sure an expereience I will never forget. I haven't given much thought to it though. There has been no imagining what it will be like beyond unforgettable. This is becuase I don't want to go into this with any expectations. I just want to go and to be. I want to let what happens happen and I want to remain open-mind and heart-to whatever God has in store for me. So beyond excitement and prayer, I don't think about it much. Then comes the big one. I am going to study in Africa for a year. An entire year. I will be in Kenya at the Catholic University of Eastern Africa just outside Nairobi. I will be taking a few classes and doing an internship to fulfill my requirement for my Peace Studies major. I wanto to volunteer in Kibera, the second largest slum in Africa. I want to travel while I'm there. I swear I'm getting into Sudan. I want to get to know the people and learn all I can bout them, their stories, their culture, and their way of life. Then I will be in Uganda with my host family that I stayed with last summer when I was there. I can't wait to see everyone again and to go back to that orphanage and see my kids. I love those kids and I think and pray for them every day. Then I will be in Port Elizabeth, South Africa taking classes at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. I will also hopefully be volunteering and learning as much as I can about the people and the culture. After that, I'll most likely end up back at CSB finishing my senior year and freaking out about my thesis that looms in order to graduate with a Political Science degree. Then, who knows? I can do anything. A friend of mine and I were on a walk a while back and I was asked why I wanted to go to Africa for a year. "Was it just to go back?" I was taken aback by this question. So many people know that I love Africa-that's just me they think. But not many, if any, people have taken the time to listen to why I am so passionate and why I want to go. I stammered through a response. And it is a question I have often revisited these past weeks. And the answer I keep coming up with is because my heart has been telling me for the past ten years or so that I was meant to be the hands and feet of God and to serve others. For the past four or five years, my heart has told m e unfailingly that the place I need to be is in Africa. Lately my heart has been telling me that I was meant to live my life simply and that there are things in the world that I need to witness-not necessarily only in Africa. Looking back over my short life, the signs and patterns are all there-I was always meant for these things and this life. God has chosen to reveal His plans for me slowly, over time. I'm sure that there is more to come. So I really have no concrete answer for why I want to spend a year in Africa. I just know in my heart that God has a plan for me there. he is sending me on this journey for a reason. I can't wait to find out what. Another friend asked me recently if I was "happy." I had been telling her all about the changes and the growth I had seen in myself that semester and the effects that was having on my life at school. Including on my relationships with my peers and with her. I feel out of place and like I don't really 'fit' anymore at CSB. Like I have grown out of it almost. It is a truly frustrating feeling to love the path that you are walking and to be exhilarated by the direction you are heading but at the same time to be heading in the opposite direction from all that you have known and loved. I feel like I have changed so much in such a short time this semester and I never really stopped and looked back. All of a sudden I was somewhere and I had so much behind me. I realized that I was ok with most of what I had left behind, but that I needed some things. There was a sadness with all of these realizations, but I did realize that I was incredibly happy with where I was going and the changes I am making. I am so happy to be shedding all of my 'skins' and to be becoming who I truly was meant to be. I am happy that I am making all of these changes and that I am working so hard to become a better person. The sadness was simple grief over what I had to give up to begin the journey. But I'm so much happier. Well gosh. I supoose I did have something to say after all. These are just ramblings of course. It's where I'm at right now, in this moment. I do find that I often wake up the next day and completely change my views or ways of thinking about something. :-) So my next blog may be very different and completely contradict this one. But hey, it's my journey and I reserve that right...